Valentine’s Day

February 8, 2011

Comparing my love for my wife to that of my love for meat pies in my wedding speech is evidence, if any was needed, that there’s not much I don’t know about romance. That’s why the Tesco Local next to work should have sought my opinion before putting up their Valentine’s Day display. It contains a selection of extremely cheap presents, including:

  • a furry…something, it’s not clear whether it has a function, that says LOVE on it;
  • a selection of films including Love Actually and other films with very little point beyond being allegedly ‘about’ romance;
  • better than average brands of choccie, one up from a Snickers but not going too far, like with a bar of Green and Blacks

 I’m sure you’ll agree this would be an insult if it formed the basis of your Valentine’s evening. Could anything be much worse than your better half turning up for a night of romantic quality time than with a hairy pencil case (possibly) that you can’t get into, a career ending film for the already on thin ice Alec Baldwin and one small Lindt bunny. No. But these things must sell, mustn’t they? Otherwise the all conquering Tesco wouldn’t have bothered.

There must be some well thought through target customer who will pick these items up. Not me, a man that puts time and thought into his romantic product line. Time and thought that may, may just be thinking about an expert organised tour of a favourite place for me and my betrothed ( – do not think of stealing this idea! I don’t want us to bump into someone we know whilst watching the chicken and mushroom recipe being explained).

However, if your days of romantic blue sky thinking are over you may be left short of options. You may not even remember it’s Valentine’s Day. Shit!! You bowl out of work and 530’s gone Ahhh – tits!! What do I do??? Where’s open!!!! Tesco! Then, they’ve got you. Like a retail venus fly trap they draw you into their brightly lit, limited product range jungle. The air is heavy with sweating men trying to avoid panic buying but all being drawn to the Valentine Day’s display. You look around for alternatives but all you can see is Poverty Corner with cut price crumpets and best before today sandwiches. You pick up Jenifer Aniston’s lastest, thinking it could, could be okay and then…the jaws shut. All is dark.


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