From the Pabs Archives (10)

December 3, 2010

Team Building

(McCrack, 12.11.2007)

One of the worst experiences of my life was a team building session in Paris with my old company. It was not billed as a bring your partner type trip but one of the senior managers was newly married and decided to bring her husband. Fair enough, but this bloke unfortunately redefined ‘total fucking tool’. He was like the fat character from a straight to video US teenager sex comedy.

Anyway, everything wasn’t too bad until the meal on the 2nd night when the aforementioned senior manager decided that instead of letting everybody sit with whoever they wanted, i.e. the people they got on with, they would draw lots so we had to sit with somebody we didn’t usually talk to, i.e. people we chose not to get on with because a) we didn’t have anything in common with them or b) we didn’t like them. However, she was exempt and got to choose to sit next to her nuclear disaster area of a husband plus lucky me and a couple of others. I was suffering a bit at the time due to having contracted some kind of quite unpleasant skin rash on my face which John Candy/Stifler found highly amusing. Someone jokingly remarked it might be coolies to which he replied, “isn’t that what they used to call black people?” Whether he was aware that there was a black colleague sat directly opposite of him I could not tell.

But on and on he went. We were waiting to go into a club called ‘les’ someting or other which elicited the response, “hey, let’s go in there it’ll be full of lesbians!” At which point I decided to go to bed early citing my rash.

I was awoken later by my newly employed room mate who was struggling to find a condom to shag one of the quietest members of the team in the hotel stairwell. This was upsetting for the admin assistant as she had been very keen on being stiffed in the stairwell herself. My sleep was therefore peppered with sobs, consoling voices and intermittent sex action from deep within the fire escape.

After a terrible nights sleep I took my leave a day early vowing never to take part in a team building session ever again.

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