From the Pabs Archives (4)

August 1, 2010

Apphell

McCrack (16.08.2005)

My I Pod ‘Shuffle’ (“Random is the New Order”) has been playing me up. Playing songs in the right order, and all sorts of annoying nonsense designed to plague any budding lifestyle executive. So off to the Apple shop it was to see if they could plug me back into the zeitgeist.

Directed up to the ‘Genius Lab’ aka Customer Services i was approached by an Avril Lavigne lookalike who punched my name into an IMac for seemingly no reason. I looked around to see a small theatre area with approx. twenty people all punching furiously into their I Mac’s, largely oblivious to the screen in front of them playing the U2 Apple advert repeatedly. It was kind of like watching a droid typist pool.

Avril directed me down to a Zane Lowe lookalike who was going to try and sort me out. She told me i was ‘very lucky’ as they don’t usually see people without appointments. I was almost overcome by emotion at the humanity of it all.

As Zane set about testing the USBability of my Podo I had the chance to listen in to the argument that was breaking out next to me. Some City boy was apoplectic that his U2 Special Edition I Pod (‘signed’ by the band) was not working, ‘two of my friends have had exactly the same problem with this I Pod and IT’S JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH’. He sat down, bright red waiting for the Manager to arrive. The Manager, aka Wayne Hemingway, arrived to take him away to a back room to discuss the matter further. I didn’t see him again. He is probably being re-programmed by a Bono Web casted mindmelt as we speak.

Zane was at a loss as to the problem and instead gave me a list of instructions as long as the Dead Sea Scrolls and seemingly written in Klingon. I feigned understanding and made to leave. As i left the droids seemed to have woken up and were listening to a member of staff give a lecture on using I Macs for improved file organisation. He was using a large pointy stick to highlight ‘enhanced features’ to people who seemed to have no features.

On the way out I noticed the window display: a book shelf that covered the entire shop front with I Macs in front and the caption, ‘The Only Book You Will Ever Need’.

It’s life Jim but not as we not know it.

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