The Art of the Best Man’s Speech

May 18, 2010

On attending a wedding this weekend, I was reminded just how pivotal to these occasions is the best man’s speech. I won’t go into too much detail about the speech I heard on Saturday, but suffice to say that, at a conservative estimate, around 85% of it had been taken directly from the internet. It opened with the old “this isn’t the 1st time today I’ve stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand” and ended with “remember, a woman is like a fine wine: she starts out full bodied, and ends up sour and vinegary”. In between were yet more generic wedding / husband & wife gags, with 2 token groom-specific anecdotes thrown in for good measure.

In short: it was exceptionally poor.

It all took me back to the time when, around the time of McCrack’s wedding and feeling a little nervous at the lack of progress I (in conjunction with Bolo) had made as the deadline approached, I was extended a most generous offer by a chap called Darren – a friend of the wider Bolongaro family. Darren’s suggestion was that he would email me a copy of the speech he had used quite recently in his own role as best man, and that I could use this as a guide to my own speech. Suffice to say, he was exceptionally pleased with the quality of his speech.

I have reprinted an abridged version below.

This is the 2nd time this afternoon that I’ve got off a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand…

I been asked to keep this as clean and as short as possible so will.

They say the best mans speech should last as long as it takes for the
groom to make love…

So thank you.

I was actually there on the first day when allan first set his eyes upon Carolynn…we were actually on a boat party down the thames my 1st impression of Carolyn was: WOW she is intelligent…articulate…and charming … I just couldn’t believe that after 2 weeks he still hadn’t called her…. MUPPET…I said to him why haven’t you called her and he was like I will will.. then he did And look where we are today. Maybe he was scared of his destiny.

But on a serious note today is about alan and the love of his life…Food and carpentry of course. Or is it a chippy…

Alan is one of my best friends… I have been with him through some brilliant times and also through some testing times we’ve met some beautiful people along the way and are very lucky to have as many friends as we do it hasn’t always been easy …like the one new years day we actually went to different places that night alan phoned me and said that his house had burnt down. I thought he was winding me up – but it actually had happened.
But he took it all in his stride.

I must say how lucky you are Alan. You will leave here having gained a wife that is warm, loving and caring. A wife who is funny, and who radiates beauty where ever she goes and one of the best mothers a man could wish for.

Face Carolynn:

And Carolynn…

How lucky you are as well..
You leave today having gained… a gorgeous dress and a lovely bouquet of flowers….

We all love you both and respect you and wish you all the happiness in the world… there’s one person who couldn’t be here today alan and that’s your mother Sheila – god rest her soul but I know she’s looking down on you as proud of you as we all are….all I can say is enjoy your life to full and love your wife to the max

So on this note, I would like you all to stand with me raise your
glasses to the new bride and groom.

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